Inspire me

I recently started sharing some of my writings with a good friend of mine. Best I can tell he likes them, or at least he seems to like them. After reading through a couple, he asked me “why aren’t you still writing?” I’d stopped writing around sophomore year in college. I had plenty of assignments to work on for classes plus I’d decided to pledge a co-ed fraternity and was in a relationship. Those things took up most of my time and when I did have free time, I could usually use a good nap. That and I wrote when I was assigned a topic or when something inspired me to write, and nothing has really inspired me to pick up a pen lately. Which led to a more difficult follow up question: “What inspires you?”

This one stumped me and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. What drove me to write and why doesn’t it anymore? I started looking back through what I had written and thinking about why I wrote it. There were a few pieces about pain, neglect, hurt, rebellion. I guess I feel I’m past most of that and I’ve been too blessed in life to feel I have much right to complain about the few unpleasant blemishes. Others were about love, passion, lust. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship that was significant enough to bring about any strong emotions like that. And all the other pieces? Random tidbits based on close friends, special events, silly thoughts, assigned topics.

So now I’m questioning myself. Sure, life has changed a lot over the years, but is it really that different? I have friends now that are closer to me than ones I’ve ever had in the past. Life has been a pretty big adventure, I mean hey, I up and moved 6,000 miles from home. I’m surrounded by interesting places, people, and events. So what is missing? What inside me is gone, broken, or temporarily misplaced? I don’t want to say I’m hopeless; I believe things will get better than they are now. I don’t want to say I’m bored; there are plenty of interesting things that happen in a given day. Maybe it’s that I need someone to write for. Maybe I need someone that looks forward to reading my words. Maybe I just need to find some reason to make it matter more to me, to someone. I’m not really sure.

I guess I’m still left wondering why I don’t write, and even more importantly, why am I not inspired?

Every day has a soundtrack

I managed to completely fill my 160GB iPod. I didn’t do this on my own, of course. A large portion of the music was picked out by Va. That girl has some weird taste in music though. Most days, I’ll put my iPod on ‘shuffle songs’ and end up skipping through quite a few of them. Every once and a while, things fall into place and my iPod spits out the perfect soundtrack for the day. Today was one of those days and it was just what I needed. Here is my soundtrack of the day and links to the songs if I could find them (and yes, I know they are pretty random):

Union Dues by Sweatshop Union

Maisha by Bebe Cool

I’ve got to see you again by Norah Jones

LDN by Lily Allen

Ain’t got time by Tishamingo

Sugar we’re going down by Fall Out Boy

Carried Away by Tait

Baby girl- Leon Island by Chameleone

Cupid Shuffle by Cupid

Embers and Envelopes by Mae

And then they did a hula...

There are days when I start to wonder what the hell I’ve gotten myself into. What sort of insane individual decides to just up and move not just across the country, but halfway across the Pacific Ocean. I start to worry that I’ve made a terrible decision and stress over the fact that I can’t seem to find a decent job (ok, so that’s largely due to the economy, but either way this isn’t the best place to start a career in business, especially marketing). One more than one occasion I’ve had to fight off the urge to call my mom in tears crying that I just want to go home. I want my family back, I want my baby back (Tora, my cat), I want everything that was so familiar. But, by some miracle, every time I get close to having a complete emotional breakdown, something or someone steps in to remind me why I’m here. Today was one of those days. Earlier this week it finally hit me; this will be the first time I’ve ever not spent Christmas or Christmas Eve with my mom. I’ve been alone on Christmas day before, but never for the entire holiday. It’s made for a rough week.

This morning a customer came into the store talking about what a beautiful island this is and how incredible blessed I am to live here. We talked about it a bit and I completely agreed with her, but as the day dragged on, that conversation faded into the background. Later at work we talked about having a pot luck Thanksgiving for those of us stuck working on Thursday. It sent me right back to my melancholy mood, thinking about being alone on holidays. As I walked my bike along the sidewalk on my way home from work, I heard some drums playing. Then, over the heads of people crowded around, I saw elaborate headpieces dancing around. Curiosity got the best of me and I stopped to check it out. One of the dance troupes was putting on a show for tourists. Drums beating, traditional Hawaiian chanting, and beautiful hula dancing. The women moved so gracefully. Their bodies swayed and flowed with the music as they told a story with their hands and faces. I watched them dance, and I watched the crowd awe at their talent. The men danced fiercely, like warriors, lunging at random tourists sitting in the crowd. It was fun to watch them jump as they made their playful attacks on the crowd.

I realized I was smiling. Where else in the world can you leave work and stumble upon a hula? How lucky am I! I’m completely surrounded by a beautiful culture and amazing people. There is such a rich heritage here, a story for everything. And here I am. I have the opportunity to experience so much, to learn, to play, to just observe and enjoy. How dare I forget the motto I adopted when I first wanted to move here. ‘A bad day in Hawaii is better than a good day anywhere else.’ Ok, so there are some exceptions, but it’s a good mentality. So consider this my apology to the universe and everyone in it. I’m sorry I ever take what I have for granted. I’m sorry I forget how amazing my situation in life is. Tomorrow, I will wake up and think ‘Wow. This is a dream, and this is my life.’
And to think, such a terrible mood and a crummy week fixed by a simple hula. Imagine if the whole world had a lu’au.

After Chicago

Here's one from freshman year in college. When I look at it now, there are a few things I would write differently. I decided to keep in it's original form. The assignment was to write a piece that relies heavily or is based primarily on dialogue. It doesn't really require an explanation or any background beyond that.

After Chicago
He broke the silence. “I’m going to the bar.”
“Please don’t start this again,” she said, raising two fingers to her right temple and began to vigorously massage the skin.
“I’m not starting anything.” His voice bellowed, penetrating the bedroom door.

A small girl sat alone on the stairs at the end of the poorly lit hallway, her warm palms pressed firmly on her ears.

“Why do you always do this?” the woman sighed, slowly shaking her head.
“What am I doing now, huh? There’s always something.”
“You just got back from Chicago. We haven’t seen you in a week and all you can think about it going to the bar.” She paused. “You and that damn bar.”
His jaw stiffened. “You’re right. I did just get back from a long trip. I want to relax and play some darts. Why are you always against me going out? Why can’t I enjoy life for once?”
“So your family isn’t enjoyable? You can’t relax at home? Why is nothing here good enough for you?” She glared at him. “Why do you even bother to come back at all!”

The girl squeezed her eyes shut. Her nose crinkled and her toes curled under the balls of her feet.

The man swung his arms backwards so that the side of his fist slammed into the bedroom door behind him. The doorknob rattled. “Why are you always so God damned difficult!”
“So wanting you home for more than five minutes a week is considered being ‘difficult’ now?” She crossed her arms staring into his eyes as she clenched her teeth.
“Since when is wanting to go out a crime?” he stiffly retorted.
“You’re so selfish.”
“And you’re a manipulative bitch,”
“Where is this coming from?” She took a deep breath through gaping lips and her brow furrowed slightly.
They stood for a moment in silence. A sliver of yellow light slipped through the closed blinds.

The girl let out a whimper as her tear fell to the plush blue carpet beneath her feet.

The woman sealed her eyes and as she faced downward towards her shoulder. “Look what you’ve done,” she whispered softly.
“I can’t deal with this.” He swung the door open and made his way down the hall. Each floorboard let out a small cry from underneath his weight. He walked passed the girl, grabbing a set of keys off a bronze hook in the kitchen then walked through the door. The garage door shook the floor of the bedroom in which the woman was still standing.
She walked down the hallway and cradled the sobbing child and walked into the family room. She sat down on a dark brown couch and kissed the girl’s forehead.
“Don’t cry, pumpkin. Shhh. Don’t cry.”
The woman’s eyes watered as she pressed her lip against the girl’s warm skin.

The Movies

So, I went to the movies tonight. Yes, it is a Wednesday night and I should have stayed in since I should have work tomorrow morning, but I made the mistake of calling in sick on Tuesday. Four people in my store have been out sick for the past week with four different mysterious illnesses. A handful of other people have been out sick from other stores as well. The result: paranoid managers. Today I called to check in and say I felt fine to come back tomorrow. In all reality, I probably would have been fine to go back in today, but I stayed home just in case. My store manager said she didn’t want me coming back without a doctor clearing me. HA! I don’t have health insurance, thus it would cost me more to visit a doctor than to not work for a whole week. I’m convinced I’m fine so it’s just not worth the cost to me. Besides, if the options are see a doctor and go back to work vs. stay home for a few days off and end up in the same financial situation either way, I’ll take the days off thank you. Anyways, my temperature was just under 100, so they said no dice and I’m not allowed to work tomorrow. So, I went to see a movie with friends instead, which brings me to Paranormal Activity (PA).

I was against seeing it. I never sat through Blair Witch Project or Cloverfield. While I respect the clever marketing behind the movies, I refused to buy into the hype. Even with PA, I wasn’t sold on the movie, interesting marketing strategies or not, but my friends were. Being bored as I am, and having a bad case of cabin fever from being a shut in for the past two days, it seemed like a good idea. No, it wasn’t terrifying. I’m not left creeped out and unable to sleep. I won’t go to be fearing it will happen to me. However, I am left amused and satisfied. There were some great comedic moments and a lot of ‘Yeah, the guy would be dumb like that’ and of course a few whimper-worthy scenes. I love that the idea of scary movies are reverting back to the prolonged shots, like those of Alfred Hitchcock (The Birds still creeps me out). There’s a lot to be said for a file that can make use of a seemingly boring shot to get you on the edge of your seat. Not to mention the fact that it’s always refreshing to see a ‘scary’ movie that toys with you psychologically instead of relying on gore, sharp movements, and things jumping out at you to be effective. And, I’ll be honest, while I haven’t lost the ability to sleep, I certainly won’t be trying to provoke evil demons anytime soon. Besides, who in their right mind walks down a dark hallway, towards scary noises yelling ‘is that the best you got’ or ‘bring it on!’ Sheesh. How dumb do you get? I am glad I paid the $10 to see it in the theater. I think it was much more effective being surrounded by screaming, gasping movie goers than it would be at home. It certainly made it a lot easier to get lost in the movie. Plus, the big guy sitting next to me spent the better part of the movie with his head tucked into his shirt like an overgrown turtle. Moderately creepy movie 1, big strong man 0. Priceless.

And on the note of marketing strategies, I remain convinced that the best marketing campaigns do nothing but expose the weakness and gullible nature of people. It’s a great psychological game and I respect it, and find it amusing. Hell, I even fall victim plenty of times. But end of the day, it’s still nothing more than a well crafted game. Props to you, Paramount, your marketing team is top notch and tech savvy. Cheers to your success.

This is all I do now... really?

So, this is it. This is all I do now. Seems like things used to be a lot busier, my days were a lot shorter and filled with so much more. Classes, homework, real work, friends, drama, TV show addictions, the occasional video game. Not so much anymore. Well, I still have a real job, and the occasional drama, but I’m usually pretty far removed from the center of the drama, so I don’t count that really. No more TV show addictions. Well, that’s a lie. I’m still addicted, but I don’t follow them religiously like I used to. I’ve missed so many episodes of my favorite series I’ve given up on trying to watch the new ones and just catch reruns whenever I happen to catch them flipping through the channels. Oh, and my ‘real work’ is not so much work. Job market sucks so I’ve been working retail down in Waikiki. It’s not so bad. They pay well ad have some great benefits, so it’s enough to get by for now until I find a real job, preferable something that values my college degree. But anyways, I’ve been bored lately. It’s amazing how much free time I have now that I’m not doing homework, writing papers, working on project, or procrastinating for hours on end. I felt like I wasted a lot of spare time in college, but I never realized how much ‘spare time’ there really was in a given day. I’ve been trying to find a new hobby. Not that reading and lying out by the pool aren’t incredibly satisfying, it’s just not enough to preoccupy me for days (and nights) on end. Yes, I know, there are worse things in life than boredom, but right now, I’m bored. So instead of just talking to myself, I’ll blog. Seems a little less insane than the alternatives, like talking to the walls or random strangers that walk by. No, there will be no theme to this blog other than my little case of insanity, restlessness, and desire to find something worthwhile to do or contribute in this world. Just the random musings of a bored, practically unemployed, energetic and restless college grad with too much on my mind and not enough on my plate. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. I’m certainly hoping I will.